Donnie get your Death Star.
Space emperor #heelspurs was speaking before congress. “We cannot just let anyone into our universe. When other planets send their specie’s, they are not sending their best specimens. They are sending creatures that are not white, they are sending creatures that care, they are sending creatures that want to help others, and some I guess are good creatures who are white. Now I have spoken with the king of Puerto Rico, and he has assured me that Puerto Rico will pay for our Universal Wall.
We will also need a Universal Marine Core. We will stand behind them every step of the way. We have weapons that you haven’t even seen yet. I showed them to Vlad and he couldn’t believe it. Now a reporter had things to say about me so of course he is fake news. Anything that is said about me that is bad, is fake news.
I am going to go look at some wall samples on the moon for the Universal Wall. The space wall has to be see-through, so we can see what the aliens are doing. Anything the aliens say also is probably fake news. I am putting my son Eric in charge of all the hotels on the moon. I have plans you haven’t even seen yet. No one has. I wrote an Executive Order that says women can’t be in charge of anything on the moon. They just aren’t made for moon authority. Finally, I am proposing some new tax cuts to pay for the last tax cuts.
Sara Get Your Gun.
When #heelspurs got back to the White House, his spokesperson, whose brother was a dog torturer by the way, was just about to go on and lie to the American people. “So, tell them about the fake news, and how all bad things are the fault of Obama and Hillary. Also, I lied about lying to Trudeau. All these military crashes are Obama’s fault. Also, I am thinking about firing everyone to show everyone what a strong leader I am”, said the president*. “Everyone”, asked the spokesperson? “Everyone toots”, said the president. “Now get out there and make your leader proud, Toot’s”.
When Sara Shuckaby Slanders took the podium, she was pissed. The fox reporter stood up first getting ready to ask a question. “Sit the fuck down” said Sara. “CNN, your first”, she almost hollered. A suspicious CNN reporter slowly stood. “did the president admit to lying to the Canadian prime minister”’ the reporter asked? “Of course, he fucking lied. I don’t physically think it’s possible for the dumb ass to tell the truth’ what else”? The CNN reporter followed up with, “When do you think the wall might be started on”? “You mean the wall that we can’t afford but Mexico was going to pay for? That shit aint never getting built”.
A Breitbart reporter stood up, Sara threw her water bottle at him. He slithered back in his seat. MSNBC your next. The MSNBC reporter jumped up, “When do you think the president might enact the sanctions against Russia”? “When the president can get Putin’s Dick out of his mouth, next question”. At this point several people started to move towards the podium. Sara pulled out her six shooter and slammed it on the podium. She then looked at them with a weird hunger in her eyes. They all left the room. The MSNBC reporter followed up, “Could you tell us when the tax cuts could start showing the economy improving”? – After a good hard laugh, Sarah said very seriously, “never. ABC news, what ya got?” I just got a tweet that says you have been fired” said the ABC reporter. “Well that’s how that gutless fuck operates. Ladies and Gentlemen, it has been a slice” said Sara. With that she picked up her six shooter and stalked off.
#Heelspurs' story. (Continued )
“Where are you? you gutless fuck” screamed the former White House spokesperson. Stephen Miller tried to intervene. Sara kicked him so hard between the legs, if there were any nuts there, they were out of order now. He lay whimpering in the hall. Heads looked out of doors, and then the doors slammed all down the hall. Sara knew where he was. Sara was angry.
Sara stood outside the presidents* favorite bathroom. “Get your fat yellow ass out here for the beating you deserve”, she yelled. “I know you’re in there. I can here you sob”. Just then a dart hit Sara in the thigh. She turned to look at the person who shot her. She hit him with a vase. The other agent laughed and said,” I told you that wouldn’t bring her down”. Then he too was hit with a flying object. Sara slammed her body against the bathroom door. “I will beat you like my brother beats a dog”, she shouted.
Just then three bigger darts hit her in the side. She turned to look at who shot her, staring as she slid to the floor. They quickly bound her arms and legs. President* #heelspurs spoke from the bathroom weakly, “is it safe?” “Yes Mr. President, said one of the security detail.” Stephen Miller crawled in. “I am going to kill her”, he said in a very high voice. The same Agent shot him with a dart as well. The president* came out of the bathroom. His face was red and swollen. “Chain her in the kitchen. Tell her asshole father to come get her and that he is fired.” “He doesn’t work for you Mr. President, someone said.” “Then hire him for a really important job, and I will fire him next week.
Sara and #heelspurs' Saga continues.
The president* had to have a complete change of clothes. The White House was releasing their side of the story. “The former White House spokesperson, Sara has decided to change positions. Her sudden outburst can only be explained by blaming the Deep State, or Fake News. “
President* #heelspurs was pissed. He was hollering new rules left and right.
· There will be NO more ice cream for anyone except me, and I still get two scoops.
· We will hire several more women. Then we will fire them.
· Anyone having a baby in the ninth month will be arrested.
· Everyone but and my family and I fly’s commercial from now on.
· Now I want a bigger parade with balloons and clowns and those guys in the tiny cars.
The republican Spy Ship Uranium Two had dropped Sara Shuckabee Slanders off on a remote island. She was groggy and angry. But mostly angry. She sat there reviewing her options. Just then she saw a helicopter in the distance. It landed on the island not too far away. Special Investigator Robert Mueller got out and walked towards Sara. He handed her a bottle of water. “Sara can we talk”, he said? “You bet your ass we can”, she replied. The two of walked back to the chopper and they were off.
#Heelspurs' saga continues.
The president* squatted in the Oval Office. He told his staff to send in his new lawyer for his Russian Investigation. Mr. Septuagenarian walked in. They shook hands. “I have heard good things about you on TV Mr. SepticAquariam.” “That’s Septuagenarian, Mr. President”, said Mr. Septuagenarian. “I don’t think this is going to work out Mr. Aquaman. Have a nice day.”, said the president*. “Tell Sara Mr. Octogenariandidn’t work out’, said the president*. “I am afraid Sara doesn’t work here anymore, Mr. president”, said Stephen Miller. “How do you still work here”, asked the president*? “I am your most loyal subject, Mr. President*”, said Stephen. “You do kiss ass like no other Steve”, said the president.
“Here is a list of the questions Mr. Mueller wants to ask you Mr. president*”, said Stephen. “Good” said the president*. “I want to learn the answers before he questions me”, said the president*. “These aren’t multiple choice, I wanted multiple choice questions”, he said. “Tell Bob that I want multiple choice, and one of the choices has to be fake news”. “have them bring those big trucks back next week’ they were fun to pretend to drive”, said the president. “How is my military parade coming”? “All the preparations are being made Mr. president”, said Stephen.
“Now I want to go play golf, schedule me a trip to Florida for a couple of days. Find something I can pretend to care about down there”. “Will do Mr. President”. Stephen rushed out of the room before the president* could say anything else. Meanwhile, across town, Mr. Mueller and Sara Shuckabee Slanders were just finishing a nice meal. Mr. Mueller had several new legal pads and a stack of pens in from of them. It was going to be a long week.
Donnie gets a basket
Easter morning in the White House. The president* couldn’t wait to see what the Easter Bunny brought him. Clearly now that he was a “Christian”, the bunny would bring him something. Just then, Stephen Miller came in with a huge basket on a cart. “This is from president* Putin, Mr. president”, he said. “Is he the Easter Bunny”, said the president*? “Ah yea, as a matter a fact, he is, Mr. president*.” Some of these eggs are filled with diamonds for Mrs. Trump”, said Steve. “Fuck that”, said the president*. “Get them all out of here before she comes in Steve”, said the president.
“I have written my Easter Speech”, said the president*.
“On this very special day, especially for Christians, it is just unbelievably important to families. It goes back, unbelievably far. You can’t imagine how far back it goes, and how much it means to everyone. I will be going to Church and thanking Jesus for the Easter bunny and my chocolate.”
“Are you sure you want to use that speech Mr. president”, asked Steve? “I AM THE PRESIDENT*”, bellowed the president*. I was elected by the biggest margin in history, he went on. All those meetings we had with the Russians are fake news!” He started to weep. My crowds were the biggest, he openly wept now. Toby Keith played for me”. Even Steve was laughing now. “Now get out and leave me with my basket and tell Melania I already left”. Steve ran out giggling.
Donnie’s Tea Party
The president* hadn’t played golf in a day or two. He loaded onto the Republican Spy Ship Uranium Two. They were eventually going to Florida, but first, they had a mission to go on. There were boxes of outfits. Mike Pence was happy as a clam, Mother didn’t make the trip. They spoke in small excited groups. They were nearing their objective, so they started to put the outfits on. They were First Nation outfits. The president* of course was dressed as a chief. Mike was dressed as his squaw. Unfortunately, Jeff Sessions also wanted the same outfit, so he was left behind.
Their objective, was a secret underground storage facility, owned by Amazon. The president* had seen fox entertainment talk about Amazon, so he of course didn’t know anything about them. He somehow thought the Post Office was losing money, and not getting paid by Amazon. He was also probably too stupid to know that Amazon charged sales tax in all 50 states. The Republican Spy Ship Uranium Two pulled up to the facility. It was guarded by machine guns. They fired a warning shot.
The Republicans announced themselves. “This vessel has the president* of the United States aboard. He demands access to your facility.” The facility fired a few more rounds over the vessel. The president took the microphone. “This is the president*, I have a deal for you. Don’t make me send the Marine Core in here. The economy is maybe the best ever. Dow jones is fake news, except when they’re doing good. Do you have a clean toilet? The military is all nice and strong again. I am really good at building things. I started out with blocks, then I looked for low paid foreign workers. Do you have any foreign workers here I could use?" This time, a missile went whizzing by the Republicans Spy Ship Uranium Two. Then came an announcement. “If that putz says one more word, we will destroy your ship. There are no more warnings. My god, can he ramble on!” Dejected, the Republicans turned towards Florida, where they could go lick their wounds at tax payer expense.
A Full Plate for Donnie!
It was 5AM. The president* had not slept much. He was the best president ever! Why could only a handful of nutjobs see this? Stephen Miller came in. “Mr. President, Michael Cohen is on line 1, it seems he has had some visitors”. “Ok, Stevie, Hello Michael, what good news do you have for me? The FBI did what? But this is an attack on our very country! Don’t worry, I will pardon you”. Steve came in again, “Mr. President, we have a situation in Syria.” “I Told Vlad he could have Syria”, said the President. “Well you need to look at the situation and decide on a response”. “I usually send some nice wine, and then don’t pay the bill”, he said. “I don’t think that will work this time, Mr. President”, said Steve.
“Mr. President, the CBO says that your tax cuts are going to make the deficit balloon” said Steve. “Have Sara tell them that it’s is all fake news. Also, the FBI raiding my attorneys house in the middle of the night, like a bunch of thugs, is and attack on our white way of life”. “Ah Mr. President, Sara is having lunch with Mr. Mueller”. The president’s normally ice pale look somehow turned whiter. Someone else came in. No one knew their name because of the turnover. “Mr. President, the stock market is tumbling”. He stared at her.
Just then the TV was turned on to his favorite channel. “We here at pox entertainment think the president is doing a wonderful job. The streets have never been whiter, the future has never been whiter, the stock market proves that the economy is doing well, and he is winning war after war all by himself”. “Everyone out, this is my favorite show”.
Tweeter and Chief.
The president had 16 chicken strips and two large mashed potatoes and gravy from the Colonel. Every time he ate from the Colonel, he felt patriotic. The president* put on his red white and blue tie, that pox show host Vanity sent him. He got all his best tips from Vanity, he thought. After watching a few hours of pox news, and filling his extra-large belly, he was ready for the world. He got out his phone! “I am sending some missiles to Syria. So, if you are Russia, be sure to move all your stuff!”, he tweeted. Stevie the skeleton man Miller, rushed in. “Mr. President, we are getting calls from the Hill about your tweet. “Just a minute Stan”, said the president. “Putin, we will send a red white and blue smart missile right up your ass, and those diamonds in my Easter basket were fake, you bitch”, he tweeted. “Now what was this about birds on some hill, Scott?” “That’s Stave I mean Steve, Mr. President, we are getting a lot of phone calls about your tweets reference Syria from angry Congresspersons”. “There is no pleasing those lemmings”, he said the president*.
He went into the bathroom, where he sent many of his tweets and tried to undo the damage, he didn’t understand. “Maybe there will be no Missiles. Our relationship with Russia has never been worse. It is clearly Obama’s fault”, he tweeted. After his third flush, he tweeted some more. “Amazon is stealing from the post office. They may be shipping drugs also, we just don’t know. The US Post Office is loosing a gabillion dollars a month because of this. Bad Bad Bad.” Was his next masterpiece. After the sixth flush, he was ready to go after Hillary. “There was a crooked Hillary, she talked a crooked pile. She broke so many laws and deleted so many files”, was his last tweet before exiting the restroom.
By now several people were in the Oval Office. “did we get rid of that black guy with the expensive table yet”, asked the president*? “No", said Steve. “When we do, I want that table. I will eat some chicken on that thing”, said the President*. “The price of gas is starting too rise”, said Steve. “But I just gave all those war toys to some Prince”, he said. “Well actually you sold them, and that is not really where we get our gas from anyhow, Mr. President*”, said Steve. “You know most people probably don’t know how hard this job is Steve?”, said the president*. Steve gazed at the president*, longing for the power he thought he had.
The president's* lawyer
The president* was in the Oval Office, sending out tweet after tweet like America sent him to Washington DC to do. “James Comey is a dodo head. Everybody is talking about it. I never met the man”, he tweeted. He giggled a little. Just then the president’s* Imp, Stephen Miller came in and said, “Mr. President, your friend from pox news is on line one. He seems pretty upset.” “Vanity”, said the president*, “Did you see I wore the tie you sent over? You really are letting Mueller have it on your show. I really appreciate it. Don’t forget, you will have an ambassador job for this”. He then hung up without letting Vanity say anything.
He tweeted some more. “All lawyers have been mortally wounded by the raid on my attorney’s office. Unpresidented meanness to my administration. Everyone is saying so.” Then the attorney General came in. “Jeff, said the president, do you think I should fire Bob Mueller?” “I don’t know”, said the AG. “Well what about Rosenstein” said the president*? “I don’t recall”, said the AG. “Have you talked to my attorney Mike like I asked you to”, asked the president*? “I can’t remember”, said the AG. “We are getting ready to order lunch, do you want some Jeff”, the president* asked? “I don’t know”, said the AG.
Stephen Miller spoke again, “Mr. President, it’s vanity on the phone again”. Donnie said, “Tell Vanity the FBI came by and ruffed me up. They threw me to the ground and said they would always be loyal to President Obama. Tell him that the agents were female, and minorities, and that it was a terrorist act against The United States, and white people in particular”. Then, and hour later, call the other media and tell them that I have never heard of Vanity. I have never talked to him and he has never given me a tie to wear”. Then I want to go down to Florida and lie to the tax payers about tax cuts on their dime, and then go play golf”.
Hanging out at the White House.
The president* was playing with army men on his desk when his new National Security Adviser came in. “I want the green ones”, said John Bolton. “Well I sure as hell don’t want the brown ones”, said the president*. Let’s just both play the green ones, and destroy all the brown ones”, said Bolton. Just then Stephen Miller oozed in. I want in on blowing up the brown soldiers also. They played and played and tax payers expense.
“I need a war to distract from the Russian investigation John”, said the president*. “I am working on a couple of things”, said John. “Israeli intelligence is telling the truth about the last round of missile attacks”, said Stephen. “Maybe we should tell the truth about what is going in the West Bank”, said John. “At least Vlad is keeping his side of the bargain and keeping quiet”, said the president*.
OK, I have to send out some tweets. “Komey is a proven liar. His brain is government property. I didn’t declassify his brain, which is lying. Fake News. Clinton?”. “My entire tiny withered heart goes out to the Bush family today. Barbara Bush thought I was a great president. Everyone was talking about it”. John and Stephen were still torturing the little brown toy soldiers. “My attorney would never flip on me. So everything he said is the truth.” Finally, “Oprah could never beet me. She is black so she may be Muslim. More fake news. #MAGA”.
The boy who would be King.
The president was tweeting. “Why is Crooked Hillary not in jail? Deep state. I never spent the night in Russia. Fake news.” Stephen Miller came in said, “You wanted to see me Mr. president?” “Yea the liberal press are giving my appointee for the VA a hard time. I just got this report from the Inspector General on him. It has lots of words and looks important. I think it will help his case. Please release it to the press”. Yes sir Mr. President”, and he was gone.
He tweeted some more, “Iran better watch out. We have smart missiles you don’t even know about. Obama should have stolen your money. Big mistake that he didn’t. #MACA”. He then started singing, ‘I am going to have a parade and Obama never had one…. Jeff Sessions came in. “Oh Jeff, glad to see you. Am I still going to be in trouble with state investigations, if we get rid of the special Prosecutor?” “I do not know Mr. President”, was his answer. “I don’t think my lawyer Mike will flip on me, do you”? “I just can’t take this kind of pressure. If I don’t answer right, you will hold that against me” screeched Jeff Sessions. He ran out of the room crying.
The president tweeted, “I have my full confidence in Jeff Sessions and I have no plans to fire him. PBS lies. Big bird isn’t real.” He pushed the intercom, “get me Stephen please”, asked the President*. The evil shadow that is Stephen Miller, floated back in. “Yes sir Mr. President?” “Stephen, Sessions has to go” said the president*. “Yes sir, I just saw your tweet” said Stephen. “I have been watching Judge Judy and I think she should be Attorney General.” “But sir”, Steve tried to interject. “I am clearly a great judge of character. Everybody is talking about it. I want Judge Judy. Period.” “Yes Sir. I will start making calls”, said Steve.
He tweeted some more, “Had a great time with the French President. We all held hands and kissed like long lost friends. Melania held my hand also and she really wanted to”.
Some Morning Entertainment.
“This morning on Pox and Friends, we have the pleasure of talking to the President of the United States. Good Morning Mr. President”, said the entertainer. “She couldn’t reach the magic number of 270, and that’s with fifteen million illegals voting for her”, said the president*. “Ahhh right, so Mr. President, how have you been”, responded the entertainer. “The military loves me. Did you know they are giving me a parade? I didn’t ask for it or anything”, said the president*. “Mr. President, how is your legal team. Is it strong enough to fend off the corrupt deep state that is hunting your witches”, said the entertainer. “Well I have the best that money can buy. I am getting calls daily by top notch lawyers that want to defend me. I have turned many of the down”, said the president*. “So, what did you get The First lady for her birthday”, said the entertainer? “well I sent her a beautiful text. It had a panda and some hearts, and it was really a fantastic text”, said the president*. The entertainers kind of looked at each other.
“So, what can you tell us about Iran”, said one of the entertainers? “Oh, well Obama gave them 150 billion dollars. Some of it was in barrels and Walmart grocery bags, and the Post Office delivered it for free. So, I am calling for an investigation into the post Office. But that was Obama’s deal. A very bad deal. There were no other countries involved, just Obama, and Crooked Hillary also was there. But we have warriors in the Republican Part. Like Ruby and Cotton? They were these two women on the internet, and I saw them, and it took about two seconds and I said let’s get them started. They are fantastic, these warriors that we have in the republican party. They are fantastic”.
“So, Mr. President, lets talk about your attorney Mike”, said one of the entertainers. “Oh, Mike is a great guy. You probably have had him on your show. It is terrible what Obama is doing to him. He is a wonderful guy. I’m told that I am not involved”. “So why is he taking the fifth”, said another entertainer. “Oh well Mike is a great guy, and his lawyer probably told him to do that, but he is a great guy and I have been told that I am not involved. So, I am not involved, and I shouldn’t talk about it because I am not involved”, said the president*.
“One more thing Mr. President, when will you meet with the North Korean President, said the more sickly-looking entertainer. “Well we are looking into that. We have several dates, and several places. I would of course like it top be at one of my beautiful properties. But I am not involved”. “OK, well you probably have a million things to do Mr. President, we could talk like this all day and basically not say anything but am sure you have to go”, said one of the entertainers. “Oh, I am getting a text from the first Lady’, said the president*. “I had told her that they couldn’t force her to testify against me”, said the president’ “She has responded, “They won’t have to” oh well that’s nice of her”, said the president*.
Care. Be safe. 4/28/2018
Nobel Peace Prize
The president* was tweeting, “Many Many people are saying Nobell Piece Prize. I am certainly deserving. Crooked Hillary. #MAGA.” “Steve come in here”, the president* said, seemingly to the air. Stephen Miller exuded into the room. “Yes Mr. President?” Stephen have you been making the calls to people about how I would make a great candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize”, asked the president*? “We have everyone on it. We even have Ruby and Poly Ester working on it. Everyone except Jeff sessions and Mike Pence. They don’t seem to have their heart in it”, whispered Stephen. “You don’t think Judge Judy let the cat out of the bag to Jeff sessions do you”, queried the president*? “If she did, we could set up a little meeting between her and Mr. Vp.”, said Stephen. “Keep an eye for me Steve. They are all jealous of my success”, said the president*. “You have my life”, said Steve. “I know”, said the president*.
He tweeted some more”, The numbers on the economy are fake. It’s a rigged system. Everyone knows, I am doing great! Watch Fox. They love me! Very smart!”. He put his phone down and picked up some papers to look at. At first, he couldn’t understand. There were words and numbers, and pictures. Finally, he realized it was the lunch menu. The numbers were “calories”, whatever they were. He picked up one of his phones. “Yes Mr. President”, said whoever hadn’t been fired yet. “Yes, the agents should be at the restaurant. I want 6 extra crispy breasts. 4 Large mashed potatoes, 23 biscuits and a quart of honey. I want that food to be rushed back, sirens and all”, demanded the president*.
He tweeted some more, “Mr. Nobell just called me out of the blue. He seems like a nice guy. No one wants peace more than me! MACA”. Then another, “Gas prices are artificially high! Opec, Russia, Obama, Crooked Hillary, Sweet potato pie!” He could hear the sirens bringing him his chicken in the distance. He had time for one more tweet, “There was no collusion! (It’s a hoax) If people don’t stop investigating me, I will at some point have to use my magic powers! Witch hunt! Deep state! “.
Care. Be safe. 5/2/2018
The night was sultry. Just kidding, it was New York City in the winter, so it was probably snowing. This is how it might have gone down. The limo of the future president* pulled up out side the building that housed the office of the illustrious Dr. Jacob Bornstein. The future president* tracked slush and snow in into the office, because he’s a prick. “I need to see Jack”, the future president* told the receptionist. “He hates when you call him that”, was her reply.
Someone opened a door to the back, and the future president* grabbed it and pushed his way past. He walked back to the Dr.’s office and opened the door. “Come on in, you pompous windbag”, said the Dr. “Jacky, so good to see you”, replied the future president*. “You owe me money. Still”, said the Dr. “When I am elected president, I will pay you back”, said the future president*. “Shit, if you are elected president, you will kill us all”, said the Dr. “I need a letter from You Doc”, said the future president*. “I give you an F”, said the Dr. “No, I need you to write me a letter about how incredible my health is”. The Dr. had just taken a sip of coffee and spit it several feet.
“What is my motivation”, said the Dr.? “How about Surgeon General”, said the future president*. “I am sure I will regret this”, said the Dr. The future president started dictating the bogus letter about his health, to the future disgraced Dr. The letter was released to the media. Those who watch fox entertainment, bought it right away. Most of the rest, just thought it was more of the same shit show we were all watching.
Care. Be safe. 5/5/2018
Donny calls the world leaders.
The president was getting ready to talk to world leaders. First, he called French President Emmanuel Macron. “Good Morning Manny”, said the president*. “Ah yes, good morning Donny”, replied The French President. “Listen Manny, I am going to need to lay some tariffs on you guys. We have been going over the records of the Louisiana purchase, and it seems there are some discrepancy’s. For example, we really only wanted New Orleans. But you stuck us with all that other area. It’s a nightmare. It has also become very costly to run, “said the president*. There was a long pause, and then the French President screamed, “WHAT!” “Hey is your wife around? She is a very beautiful woman,” said the president*. The line went dead. He shrugged.
He decided to send out a tweet before the next call. “President Jimmy Carter didn’t have the authority to sign the Panama Canal away. Bad deal. We are taking it back”. He thought for a minute. He tweeted more, “Why haven’t the FBI prosecuted slippery slimy Comey, and Crooked Poopy Hillary? Which Hunt! Which Hunt!” He seemed satisfied. He thought of his upcoming military parade Surely the world would take him seriously after that”.
He picked up the phone. Japan was next. He called the Prime Minister of Japan, Shinzo Abe. “Hello Abe, said the president*. You know we had a president named Abe. He was a Republican like me. He didn’t have my hair. Or my personality. or my deal making ability, but then neither do you”, laughed the president*. The Prime Minister sighed and said, Yes. “Look Abe, let’s be honest. That attack on Pearl Harbor was a bad deal. Now I’ve read hundreds of books about China over the decades. I know the Chinese. I’ve made a lot of money with the Chinese. I understand the Chinese mind, so don’t try anything with me.”
Care. Be safe. 6/6/2018
President* #heelspurs and his “interpreter”, were getting ready to meet Mr. Putin and his “Interpreter”. To president* #heelspurs, this was the crowing jewel, in an otherwise jewels-less crown. Oh, well to the rest of us it was jewel-less. To him it was full, but I digress. The president* was advised by many to cancel the meeting because of Russia’s interference in the 2016 election. So of course, the president* didn’t listen.
The four sat down and the doors were closed. Mr. Putin looked at the president* and said, “you have done very good for me and Russia”, said Putin. “well thanks, said the president*. However, I am the deal maker here. Now we saved your ass big time during World War ll. So, you are going to have to pay up”, said the president*. Putin looked at the president* and then busted out laughing. Then Putin got real serious and said, “you will give me Alaska by the time I am done”.
The president* thought about that for a moment, then he said, “look Put, can I call you Put, anyways we have weapons. We have weapons you haven’t even seen yet. Look at the pictures of this one, I just saw this morning. Puttin and the interpreter jumped up to see what it was. It turns out he took pictures of a vacuum cleaner. “So you are going to pay us more for stuff and thank us publicly for saving your ass at the end of the war. Now what kind of little thing would you like me to give you? How about free golf for you and another person,… for a year maybe? The other three people in the room were speechless. You see, this is where my deal making will come in. We will try for six months, and if you don’t steal the towels, we will extend it for a year.
The president* got up and left the room. The other three were still kind of in shock. The president* was out in the hall happily answering question. Yes, we will be doing joint military exercises with Russia in the future. Put, as I now call him said I can build as many hotels in Russia, and any other country he takes over. Now their Vodka is shit, so we won’t put tariffs on that. Actually, they mostly buy American military equipment through other countries. But we will find something they are good for. I will also keep letting the Russian women come to the United States to have babies. OK. That’s enough. I am sure Put will want to get a word in.
Care. Be safe. 7/15/2018
Back on Air force one, president* #heelspurs had completely different stories to tell about his meeting with Putin. No, I never said we were doing joint military exercises with Russia. I must have misspoken. There has been a lot of that since I became president with a huge majority of electoral votes that everyone is still talking about. I said we have weapons that they haven’t even seen yet, and we are not afraid to send other people’s children to die for no cause. A fox reporter asked, “have you spoken to the Lord lately and how does he like the job you are doing”? “Well, I actually had to set the Lord straight on a few things that he had wrong. But he thinks I am doing a great job and everybody in heaven is talking about it. You, fake news, your next”. The CNN reporter asked, “Mr. President can you comment on the latest CBO report which paints a pretty dire picture of the future”? “Now that’s fake news for you, said president* #heelspurs. I just made a huge deal with Russia, where they have agreed to build walls all around the United States and give us billions of dollars on the side. Why don’t you report about that” asked the president*? “Because it’s not real”, replied the reporter slowly? “throw him out of here, said the president*. Rough him up, I will pay your legal bills.”
Next, you Breitbart”. “Yes, when do you think Hillary will be charged for stealing Uranium that was smuggled in furniture, stolen from the White House, and carried by child sex slaves to their bat cavern in Upper New York state” said the “reporter”. “Well this is the first I have heard about it,” said the president*. “Well I did just make it up”. Said the reporter. “Well I will be sure to waste some tax dollars on investigating that baby”, said the president*. “Alright, you fake news, MSNBC, what are you going to lie about”? “Yes, Mr. President, there has been a lot of flooding lately and with the seas rising, the water is threatening a lot of internet cables that weren’t meant to get wet for long periods of time. Is your administration working on that problem at all”? “You see, more fake news! There are no rising seas, except for when big rocks fall into them. There are no rising seas or floods. We are working on securing our borders. That is more important than anything else. To protect this land, that our slave raping forefathers stole from others.
Care. Be safe. 7/17/2018
Before the president* touched down back in the United States, his secret admirer, Mike Pence was already trying to do damage control. Then the white House was back peddling. Well the president* meant this, instead of that. He meant there would not be training with any Russian troops, and he meant Russia would not pay for the new walls all around America. Outside the White House, protesters started to gather demanding the resignation of the president*.
The president* was scheduled to be interviewed by his favorite tv personality, co-conspirator and adviser, Sean Vanity. “This is like a dream come true Mr. president,” said Vanity. “I am sure it is”, said the president*. “so, tell me all about your meeting with President Putin. Was he wearing a shirt? Did you get to see his chest,” said Vanity? “No, he was wearing a shirt this time, the president* chuckled. It was strictly business. We both want what’s best for Russia,” said the president*. “Don’t you mean what’s best for the United States,” asked Vanity nervously? “That’s what I said, what’s best for the United States, said the president*.
“What about Russia interfering in our elections? Did the two of you discuss that,” asked Vanity? “Well I am glad you asked that question, because I want to put it to rest for good. I looked him in the eye and asked if Russia had interfered in our elections. Not only was he very forceful in his denial, we pinky swore as well. So, I am definitely satisfied that Russia helped get me elected”,” said the president*. “You mean that Russia didn’t help get you elected,” said Vanity? “That’s what I said,” said the president*.
Care. Be safe. 7/19/2018
* The asterisk denotes a player or president who’s record, or election is a tainted victory.